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Previously I talked about contamination and the power of external influences on our moods and on our mental well being, in this section I want to share with you my beliefs and experiences of how people can boost and zap our energies, and how we ourselves have the power to control the impact others have on us.
People are amazing, they have the ability to do so much, they are capable of flying to the moon and beyond, to invent mobile phones, flat screen tv's, aeroplanes and much more, and yet people also have an ability to focus far too much on negativity. All around are positive things, positive people and reminders of how great life is and can be, so why do some people manage to miss these wonderful things most of the time? Mostly It's not intentional, it's just that they have become programmed to notice the negatives, they are facing in the wrong direction with their eyes firmly focused on the problems in their lives. These same people have a tendency to share their problems with anyone that will listen and will find fault in almost anything they possibly can... Do you know someone like this? The answer I'm guessing is yes, however the truth is there is a little of this kind of person in all of us... Have you ever noticed how quickly you react when someone gives you a criticism, how long you focus on those negative words and how they can at times replay again and again in your mind? On the reverse side of this, how much time do you give to a received compliment? How many times do you replay those positive words that others have gifted to you? Is it as much as the negatives? If you are like I used to be, then the answer is probably no. We are sensitive to negativity, our minds very quickly tune in to negative statements and words, we have been programmed that way... From childhood we are told to learn from our mistakes, as adults we dissect our errors in order not to repeat them and in the workplace we go through our failings in order to understand what went wrong. It is through this repetitious behaviour that our conscious and subconscious automatically home in on our shortcomings... The good news it doesn't have to be this way, we already know how to filter out the negatives and give our attention to the good. An example I like to use is: if you had 50 apples of which 49 were delicious and just 1 that was rotten, would you eat the 1 bad apple? No, you would probably just throw it in the bin and enjoy the other 49. Our focus should be the same, we should be placing in to context the negative information that enters our thoughts and not digesting something that we know is bad for us... Just check to see if they are worth the time and effort you give to them... If 20 people tell you; you are great, you look good, you did a great job, you're a joy to be around and just 1 person tells you that you look rough today or you're rude, then weigh it up... Should you waste your time focusing entirely on that 1 statement, or should you be thinking of the 20 others that are saying positive things about you? I'll let you think about the answer.
We have a tendency to believe that it is the actions of others that shift our moods and this is true to a certain extent, however it is how we react to others and the things that they do that truly generates joy or sadness. If we were to give our attentions to the good that others see in us, we would find ourselves in a very happy place and if we did chose to give only a short amount of time to the occasional criticism, we would find that it need not drain our positive energy. The trick is to listen to what you are thinking about, if your focus is disproportionately on the negative, shake it off, switch your focus, think about some of the good that people have said to you. Another valuable trick is to listen to the positives that people gift you with, don't just throw them away, this does not honour the person you are and it certainly doesn't show respect to the person that has taken the time to tell you how great you are. Don't doubt what people say when they tell you, you look good, simply say thank you and enjoy the moment, don't question people when they tell you they enjoy your company, simply say thank you and again enjoy the moment, and don't reject a compliment when someone has taken the time to give it, there is no need, it has been given, it's yours, keep it. I have witnessed a number of people being told by a friend "you look great today" to quickly respond with "NO I don't, I look tired" or something along those lines, why do this? what good does it serve to reject a gift that you deserve, just accept it. At first you may find this a little uncomfortable, this is only because you are so used to rejecting, over time you will learn that they are more than likely right and you do look good. If you are concerned that accepting the compliment will look egotistical or arrogant, don't be, provided you just accept the compliment and gracefully say "thank you", you will not display any negative traits, in fact the rejection of a compliment is far more negative and can leave the giver feeling less positive due to your resistance. Have you ever given a compliment to someone that has thrown it back at you? It doesn't feel good, does it?
Getting the balance right: From time to time we will face our critics or we will receive feedback that we have not done something as we should have done, these moments are often important in order for us to learn and move on, we sometimes need to identify that there is a problem in order to find a solution, however we should acknowledge what is being said and then move in to solution mode, think about what it is we should be doing and then give our attention to the outcome. I made the mistake for many years of getting hung up on the problem, I would take criticism to heart and spend hours if not days thinking about what I did wrong, it would overwhelm me to the point that I would replay my mistakes over and over again in my mind, like a horror movie on constant replay. Back then I failed to see that the longer I stayed with the problem, the longer it would remain a problem. If my focus was on the negative things people were telling me, then how could I possibly change or adapt? how could I possibly move towards the solution? I couldn't, or it would take me a lot longer to find the answers I was looking for, than it would have done if I had simply focused on where I wanted to go, rather than where I had been or was.
Following the right signs :Think of every criticism as a signpost on your journey through life, some signs are worth following, like a sign directing you to London if that is your destination, some signs should be ignored, like the direction to Glasgow if your destination is London and some signs give you choices, like an alternative route to your destination. As you start to weigh up what is being said and putting things in to context, you will begin to know with greater ease which signpost requires your attention, your acknowledgement or which ones you should ignore. There are a number of ways to do certain things and sometimes none of them are right or wrong, it's just a case of preference. Your preference may be to do something one way, whereas your partner, friends or colleagues may choose another. It is a bit like the journey to London, for some it is the quickest route that will always be taken, for some it may be the scenic and for others there may be a mix between the two. Again there is no right or wrong, it is about choice, you will know what is best for you and what sits most comfortably with the values you hold dear.Respecting others: As I said in the previous section we do things in different ways, we make choices. Sometimes we can be zapped when someone chooses to do something differently to the way we would choose. I know that I have fallen foul on a number of occasions by my own response to others and the way they do things, I have become frustrated that they are doing it differently and I have felt my energy drop, simply because they wont listen to me. Now the challenging thing here is to get your head around the fact that they are not zapping your energy, you are... It is the way you are reacting to them that causes the energy drop, the feeling of frustration and the less than positive feeling you get inside. They are simply doing something their way, they have no intention to affect you. So why do it? again it is about weighing things up... Does it really matter if the milk goes in before the tea or the tea before the milk when making a drink? Does it really matter if the washing up is done immediately after dinner or within an hour? I'm not going to tell you the answers to these questions, you will know what sits most comfortably with you. The point I am trying to make is, make sure you are placing your focus in the right place, if someone is doing something that frustrates you, zaps your mood or creates negative feelings, just check to see if it is worth the energy you are allowing to be discarded. I struggled with this for a while and every now and then I still want things my way, but I have found that I am in a far better and happier place when I do manage to shake of my feelings off frustration. I will continue to work on switching my focus and feel comforted that my life will be far more enriched and rewarding when I have mastered my own reactions to others.
Dealing with zappers: At the start of this blog I talked about those people that zap your energy, they suck the life out of you as they go through their daily lives, some of these people are family, some are friends and others are work colleagues. It is very difficult to avoid coming in to contact with these people, as they are part of our lives, therefore how do you deal with them? At first, I would suggest you try talking to them in a courteous and positive manner, try to make conversation about something different, ask them what they do like. If this does not work then you may need to be a little more assertive and let the know that their subject choice is not ot your liking. I have a friend that finds the need to share the entire negative content of the morning news as soon as they see you, they talk about all the wars in the world, the bombs going off in the middle east, the pandemic flu virus spreading across europe, etc. They zap you within 10 minutes, the thing is they didn't even realise they were doing it. At first I would change the subject, this would work for a while but they would find a way of getting back to the tragic news stories, eventually I simply asked them to stop, I said with courtesy "I don't actually watch the news in the morning, I find that it effects my mood, would you mind if we don't talk about it?" They responded very positively and we no longer have the conversation. Now not everyone responds as easily as they did and some will continue to spread their negative infection if you let them. You may not be able to stop people saying things that zap your mood, you may not be able to avoid every person that does this but you can choose to let it drift past you... A great way of doing this is to acknowledge their issue first, give them a couple of minutes to talk and then acknowledge, at this point switch focus, talk about something else. If they insist on going back to the negative then allow their words to pass you by, imagine their words just disappearing in to thin air, they can't get to you. You could also imagine an invisible shield around you where the words just bounce right off. The most important thing to remember that you have control of how they affect you, keep your mind focused on your positive drivers and allow them to have their negativity.
Letting go: Unfortunately we do not have the power to make everyone in our lives positive, we cannot make people stop thinking negative thoughts and we cannot force them to stop verbalising their negative feelings, you must make a choice when you come across people like this, you either choose to accept them for the way they are, or you can let them go. As difficult as it may sound, sometimes we adapt and develop in different directions to our family, friends and partners, it is not that we no longer connect with them it's just that we have evolved, it is at this point that we must decide if it is better for us in the long term to reduce our contact with these people or let them go altogether. Thankfully these choices are not required too often as you will find most of the people you connect with evolve and grow with you. You will tend to find similar interests and provided you are focusing on what is good about them and not what annoys you or frustrates you, you will continue to live in harmony with those around you.
Enjoy those around you: Throughout part 5 of the Enriching Life blog I have talked about the negative impact others have on our moods and how we can control this, now I want to finish on the positive impact people can have. Throughout my life I have found great happiness and real pleasure when in the company of others, I think back to childhood and I remember singing in the car with my mother, sister and cousins, my mum always ensured we had a sore belly through laughter whenever we went on a day out, she had and continues to have a great influence on my life and it is with that in mind that I can honestly say that people are great. When we consider how many good people are in our lives we can generally say that we are surrounded by more positive, loving and caring people than we are mood zappers. It is important that we do surround ourselves with these types of people, people that we connect with, that will share in our laughter. Just hearing the sound of others laughing can at times be enough to lift our moods, just listening to a friend tell you about a great holiday can put a smile on our faces and watching young family members play can put a smile on your face it almost hurts. It is so important to notice all the great things people do and to cherish those special memories for it is these things that create our bond, it is these things that maintain our healthy relationships. Take a little time to think about your children, your partner, parents, brothers, sisters and friends and think about all the good things that surround them, it may be their sense of humour, it may be that they are always there when you need them, or it may be singing and laughter in the car, fill your mind with these positive thoughts and memories, bathe in warm feelings they give you and this will enrich your relationships.
Everything's amazing and we're still not happy... Great video, the picture quality is not great but it's the message that counts...
Thank you for taking the time to read this blog, I would love to hear from you, please leave a comment.
Until next time, take care and be happy
James
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